By Christina Abt
Buffalo, NY – I was arrested last week. Or to be more precise, I was notified that come November, I will be officially placed under lock and key.
Now to be clear I haven't insulted a police officer, nor did I wander into a brawling bar fight. And I definitely did not get caught heisting that high-priced diamond bracelet of my dreams. In fact, these days my life is pretty much all about the straight and narrow. So, how did I become a target for arrest?
Well, apparently, I have befriended someone with a perverse sense of humor who anted up big bucks to the Muscular Dystrophy Association to incarcerate me. As a result, in mid November, I will be imprisoned by MDA Officials and released only when I have begged a sufficient number of MDA donations from family and friends to buy my way out of jail.
I'd heard about these charity celebrity arrests before and always thought them to be creatively funny ways of raising money for a good cause .that is until I was the one being thrown in the clink. Suddenly tried and true spaghetti dinners and Chinese auctions seemed like much more appropriate ways to raise cash for charity. However, in the spirit of good will, I finally agreed to surrender peacefully to MDA officials and dutifully serve my sentence.
In preparing for my day of reckoning, I have entertained two main concerns. First .who's the dirty rat that busted me? According to MDA officials, the person responsible for my incarceration lives in fear of reprisal. Therefore she or he has pathetically begged the MDA to veil their identity under a witness protection plan. (Note of warning to whoever you are: this is a temporary reprise, at best, as there is no one more determined than an Irish woman wronged or unjustly imprisoned!)
Quandary number two was the quintessential concern for all women .what to wear?
Initially, I thought a sassy little number done in inmate orange might be appropriate. I also considered a basic black and white stripe ensemble complete with beanie hat accessory. And considering accessories, I had no doubt that ball and chain jewelry and a trendy hobo bag with hidden compartments for metal cutters and files would be this fall's standard for any well-dressed arrestee. All of which encouraged me to head directly to the mall for a mini-shopping spree.
Now as I await my MDA prison sentence, I find that I am developing a new attitude toward the experience. To this point it has provided me with a great excuse for shopping, it's given my family and friends endless opportunities to tease and torture me, and ultimately, when everyone antes up for my release, we will have helped a very worthy charitable cause. My only nagging doubt is the possibility that those who love me might find more joy in withholding their donations than in securing my release.
Note to self: remember to pack your checkbook inside that cute hobo bag ..just in case.
Listener-Commentator Christina Abt is a freelance writer from Eden.