By Linda Chodos
Buffalo, NY – Just when you think you've seen it all, you see you haven't. While driving the other day, the car in front of me sported a bumper sticker saying "Give War a Chance." What? I read it again to be sure I had gotten it right. Yep! It proclaimed, "Give War a Chance" That's what I thought we've been doing since we climbed down from the trees.
That's what I thought we've been doing in the generations since I've been alive. World War II, Korea, Vietnam, Gulf War I and its sequel, the box office flop, Gulf War II. Smaller wars and almost wars: Bay of Pigs, Grenada, Afghanistan, hockey, football, divorce. Divorce? Yes, the gold standard of all inter-personal wars: divorce.
What have we learned from these conflicts? I recently heard insanity defined as "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." Isn't it time for a new result? Isn't it time to find a better way of reaching the outcomes we truly desire?
If you've answered "yes" to that last question, then I am bringing good news to you. There is a new and better way to create peace in inter-personal relationships through the legal process. Laws are created and followed so we can live our lives in an orderly, predictable way, so we don't push, shove and hit to achieve our goals, so we can get on with our day to day lives without constant fear and disruption.
On the surface it would seem our adversarial system of justice stands in opposition to the goal of peaceful resolution. But defining an adversary as an enemy to be overcome is where we go really wrong. It is an ill advised shortcut, not to be taken until all other roads have been traveled. If instead an adversary can be understood as a person or institution with conflicting needs, then windows and doors of constructive opportunity pop open for all sides to walk through.
In reality, our legal system does everything it can to encourage alternative approaches to reaching settlements. Our Courts, which seem at times to be ponderous and slow, are in fact, using that time to encourage disputants to settle without battle. The settlement angle doesn't play well on the big screen so it gets little press and even less glory. But to those would be combatants who are able to settle their differences without having to declare a winner and a loser, there come great rewards. In the case of resolving family conflicts without bloodshed, the rewards extend out as far as the family tree can take them.
In recent years, a forward thinking group of professionals have come together to form the Western New York Collaborative Law Professionals, Ltd., a group of skilled professionals who work together on issues specific to divorce and separation. A couple can build their own team of experts, which can include their matrimonial attorneys, financial advisors, psychotherapists, child specialists and others to assist them in creating a peaceful and self-directed resolution of the many issues facing them in the process of splitting up. This kind of team model isn't new in the area of conflict resolution. Many cultures use indigenous peacemakers to resolve family disputes before turning to formal options such as the courts. The collaborative model lets us have the best of both worlds. We can chose and use our experts as needed and the result is a legal settlement that is satisfactory to both parties, one that minimizes bitterness, and maximizes the opportunity for family harmony and above all, one that protects the children from being damaged by split loyalties.
Isn't it time to stop the warring and to follow John Lennon's original advice? Give peace a chance at home. Who knows where it may lead in the larger world.
Linda W. Chodos is the founding President of the Western New York Collaborative Law Professionals group. She is a matrimonial and family law attorney whose practice is limited to the constructive resolution of conflict through the use of mediation and collaborative law. Her office is in Hamburg, New York.
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